I really dun understand at all. Seriously. Really lost. Need some guidance. But this has given me a clearer picture to where i am standing at. Its just a day away from 2010, i dun want to bring this into the new year. Somehow, i really wish i can do that but it is deeply etched in my memory, clearly scarred. Painfully taking this alone, trying to leave it up to the ONE, i need to learn.
When this happened earlier on a year ago, it didn't took quite long for me to get over it. It was just superficial then. Now, i have taken it too deep. Just like putting a knife into the skin and i pushed it in myself. Should have obey-ed God, most of the time we listen but we dun act. Its just like listening to mp3. Something needs a change, i know.
Right now, its past one day, i am trying very very hard. Faking a smile with friends around, acting like everything's alright. I dunno how long can this last, its soon. You cant force a lion to eat greens, its not their nature.
This is really tearing me apart but i dun understand why. Can you please tell me again? Waking up every morning, i remind myself not to remember about what happened. In that instance, memories of rejection starts to set in slowly. Like the toxin that any venomous snake would use to kill its prey. Just that this toxin doesn't kill but it stays at its optimum level. I would want a permanent solution, not a temporary one. Not gonna resolve it by any alcoholic means again. Never again. Its bad and God would not like it. Although it really takes one's soul to a paradise for just that moment, but waking up with a bad ache in the head and the constant torture, its a bad practise.
This time round, no consultation from anyone yet, because definitely the same answer will come.
"为什么要为了一棵树，而放弃整个树林呢？"
" There are others out there who are thousand times better"
I dont think these are good convincing lines, it just makes the person feel worse, on my personal perspective. If this person weren't in my heart for some specific reason, i guess that might apply. I would have felt better if it was someone else but not for this person. The latter really meant alot alot more. Its a game of gambling, high stakes, big losses and it is only 1/10 that will be a really big pay-off. I think if it wasn't for God's grace, I would have ended everything yesterday. Even the society are adviced to give the ex-convicts a second chance. I dun have mine. But its fine, i just hope that everything is alright with you.
"我不想忘记你，就算可以，我宁可记得所有伤心"
Why can't i be like almost other guys, being able to forget such things easily and not be bothered by it.
Te Quiero, あいしてる, I really love you.
