I really dun understand at all. Seriously. Really lost. Need some guidance. But this has given me a clearer picture to where i am standing at. Its just a day away from 2010, i dun want to bring this into the new year. Somehow, i really wish i can do that but it is deeply etched in my memory, clearly scarred. Painfully taking this alone, trying to leave it up to the ONE, i need to learn.
When this happened earlier on a year ago, it didn't took quite long for me to get over it. It was just superficial then. Now, i have taken it too deep. Just like putting a knife into the skin and i pushed it in myself. Should have obey-ed God, most of the time we listen but we dun act. Its just like listening to mp3. Something needs a change, i know.
Right now, its past one day, i am trying very very hard. Faking a smile with friends around, acting like everything's alright. I dunno how long can this last, its soon. You cant force a lion to eat greens, its not their nature.
This is really tearing me apart but i dun understand why. Can you please tell me again? Waking up every morning, i remind myself not to remember about what happened. In that instance, memories of rejection starts to set in slowly. Like the toxin that any venomous snake would use to kill its prey. Just that this toxin doesn't kill but it stays at its optimum level. I would want a permanent solution, not a temporary one. Not gonna resolve it by any alcoholic means again. Never again. Its bad and God would not like it. Although it really takes one's soul to a paradise for just that moment, but waking up with a bad ache in the head and the constant torture, its a bad practise.
This time round, no consultation from anyone yet, because definitely the same answer will come.
"为什么要为了一棵树，而放弃整个树林呢？"
" There are others out there who are thousand times better"
I dont think these are good convincing lines, it just makes the person feel worse, on my personal perspective. If this person weren't in my heart for some specific reason, i guess that might apply. I would have felt better if it was someone else but not for this person. The latter really meant alot alot more. Its a game of gambling, high stakes, big losses and it is only 1/10 that will be a really big pay-off. I think if it wasn't for God's grace, I would have ended everything yesterday. Even the society are adviced to give the ex-convicts a second chance. I dun have mine. But its fine, i just hope that everything is alright with you.
"我不想忘记你，就算可以，我宁可记得所有伤心"
Why can't i be like almost other guys, being able to forget such things easily and not be bothered by it.
Te Quiero, あいしてる, I really love you.
Gone
Seriously, its gone. I'm at a loss already. This game do not allow a draw, either a victory or a lost. It just seems like i am always destined for the latter. Should i continue? Don't think its a choice. I know i can't continue but searching elsewhere is no use either, it still comes back to the square one.
Its the broken that needs healing.
I never thought that i would be so weak but just a word or any forms of expression from that person would really throw me into that pit, where its all dark and scary. Thinking that this would definitely not be of a problem i will stand firm, but it just takes a gust of wind to make me fall, really hard. Had to convince myself that all these were not done by.., told myself it would be better, just ran a marathon my heart just isn't feeling well, perhaps my perspiration is much more active at the corner of my eyes. Its nothing actually. All is fine.
How i wish i could be heitian-ed and not remember anything about this. But i know this is not gonna happen and it is not gonna end here. If there really is a santa claus around, the present i want to ask for, will be you. Its burning still.
God i need your help, need your healing touch. I am sorry... Please help me.
So long
its been so long... or this year is rather long. There is always an end to everything, except for God's unending love. I believe and trust that God will lead all of us back to the right path. Everyone's tired and really drained, i think it is really time.
Anyway, God gave me a dream on christmas night, its like almost similar to the one that God showed me 1 year ago in terms of the feel. The dream is like what we will be doing in the next year. I really hope that nothing will go wrong in year 2010, although tests and all will definitely be set for us. If our foundation is build on broken glass, we will be pricked and hurt badly. But if its on a solid ground, we will withstand all odds and I am ready to take up this challenge and take control, be the master of my feelings.
The theme song for the dream: Lord I Give You My Heart.
I think this is really important: before removing the speck of dust in your brother's eye, remove the plank in your own eyes first.
My personal theme for YM in year 2010: UNITY
I think this is super duper important except that LOVE is the most important. With the God-given Love, there will not be any other obstacles that will stand in the way of UNITY!! This is neither a hypothesis nor a theory. It is a law. Proven with absolutely no more doubts.
Christmas 2009
This year's christmas is quite busy. But the best is opening up all the presents i have collected. Presents are pleasant surprises. I guess even if i am sad or what, just by opening any of the present would brighten up everything. Just that christmas is a joyous occasion, besides presents. Its Jesus who was born to us as our Saviour.!!
Didn't know that it could be that long. I still like her...even dreamt about her ytd night. How i wish that the dream could be a reality, and i woke up even before it ends. Little fustrated but slowly came to terms with it. A little crazy...
Just wanna surrender everything to you God. Hope all will go well. Cos God you are in control.
Thank You!
The Future.
Questions over our future often flood our minds, negative, positive, neutral, "What is gonna happen tomorrow?", "What am i gonna be when i have graduated?". Probably some deep-meaning life questions too. Yet all these are actually controlled by our own emotions. Some have given up on all these, some are embarking on a new path.
Heroes epi 12
" ..., there are 5 stages of Grief, pete. You have to skip pass it...."
This episode is simply inspiring.
Even the twin tower in US can be taken down in just 2 hours, so what are the chances we will stand if something come crashing on us, if we do not even have the right and proper foundation. "Unsettled-ness", anxiety and all that brushes off the firm pillar of faith are what make us weak. Let none of these be a hindrance.
In the stone age, there is nothing such as law but what is right and what is wrong is clearly differentiated. Those are the ingredients to a peaceful community. Afraid of what the person might do to you when you see later or in the Future? Let your immunity grow against this, have an edge above all these. Put the right thing right and the wrong, right. Before anything. Concentrate on the present and not the past or future.
The farmer who prepare the field will definitely anticipate a good yield of crop but the farmer who doesn't prepare? Only a plain, dry field awaits.
All i hope for is a chance to right the wrongs of the present and for God to be back where He belongs. And too i would love a chance to hold ur hands but i know i ain't good enough.
Till then.....
